When is the "right" age to have kids?

[Anonymous_IHB]

Essay on this today in Newsweek:

How Old Is Too Old?

Why the death of a 68-year-old new mom made me rethink the limits of parenthood.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/208022/?gt1=43002

 

[FairEconomist_IHB]

The New England Centenarian Study conducted by Boston University Medical Center found that women who give birth after 40 were four times more likely to live to 100 or longer than were women who gave birth at younger ages.?

Based on experiments breeding animals for longevity, it's not waiting to have children that makes you live longer; it's having longevity genes lets you have children later. People who are likelier to die earlier will just fail to have children if they wait long to conceive. People have mentioned that the health and birth defect risks start increasing after 35. This is true, although later pregnancies are still very likely to work out fine. However, the risk of not being able to conceive ever starts becoming significant around 35, and the risk is much higher than that of having a child with chromosomal defects and such. Some women can conceive into their late forties, sure, but not all.

The combination of society and biology is tough on women. BA at 22, professional degree at 25, a few years to get established and bam, there she is in her 30's with only a few years (or none) before biology starts being an issue. That's a real tight schedule - I certainly never could have gotten it worked out with my complicated life and multiple career changes. I don't want to hijack, but sometimes I wonder if it would make more sense (in our society) for people to have children around 20 but for children to be raised by grandparents.

 

[PANDA_IHB]

From my personal experience, I felt emotionally and financially ready to get married at 27/28 and have my first child at 30. Unfortunately, I am now 32 and my wife and I don't have a baby yet. As you can tell... I want one really bad. I think it is sooo cool that baby could have similar facial features as you. What i hear a lot from some of my couple friends is that they wish they had more time getting to know each other before the baby arrived. I can totally relate to that.

You know.. I think woman are more open to adopting a child than men are. At first I was totally against it because as kid i saw a lot of movies and sitcoms where the adopted children grows up and then looks for their real biological parents. The worst is when they are all grown up and yell at you, " You guys aren't my real parents!"

Have any of you adopted children before? Do you know of anyone who has? Would any of you recommend it?

Curious Panda.

 

[tmare_IHB]

From my personal experience, I felt emotionally and financially ready to get married at 27/28 and have my first child at 30. Unfortunately, I am now 32 and my wife and I don't have a baby yet. As you can tell... I want one really bad. I think it is sooo cool that baby could have similar facial features as you. What i hear a lot from some of my couple friends is that they wish they had more time getting to know each other before the baby arrived. I can totally relate to that.

You know.. I think woman are more open to adopting a child than men are. At first I was totally against it because as kid i saw a lot of movies and sitcoms where the adopted children grows up and then looks for their real biological parents. The worst is when they are all grown up and yell at you, " You guys aren't my real parents!"

Have any of you adopted children before? Do you know of anyone who has? Would any of you recommend it?

Curious Panda.

I'm so sorry that parenthood hasn't happened for you yet. I have Korean friends who have actually returned to Korea for fertility treatments and another set of Korean friends who are considering doing the same. Best of luck and don't give up hope.

 

[FairEconomist_IHB]

We're going through the adoption process now. We've attended our classes, had our paired, individual, and network interviews, passed our DMV checks, criminal background checks, employment verification, filled out dozens of pages of questionnaires, found respite providers, and I forget what else. We are now in the "matching phase" where the county shows children's files to us and our files to children's social workers (and sometimes children) looking for a "match". Obviously I haven't actually experienced having a child but when I see families I sure want one.

I've talked with many who have adopted and they are almost all very positive about it, even the ones who have ended up with what most would consider nightmare situations (drug-addicted runaways, multihour temper tantrums every day - these people are mostly adopting older kids who have gone through serious trauma).

I don't think women are more open to adopting; I think they just want children more - especially very young children where teaching and mentoring aren't good substitutes.

Hope it all works out for you, Panda. It's not clear what you've been doing and I don't intend to stick my nose where it doesn't belong but if you've been trying for 2 years without results I hope you're seeing a good fertility doctor. After that long there's a good chance of a biological issue. Some fertility issues are easily fixed and some are insoluble - I would want to know where I stood on that before choosing adoption, especially if having a child that looks like me were important to me.

 

[traceimage_IHB]

The combination of society and biology is tough on women. BA at 22, professional degree at 25, a few years to get established and bam, there she is in her 30's with only a few years (or none) before biology starts being an issue. That's a real tight schedule - I certainly never could have gotten it worked out with my complicated life and multiple career changes.

So true. It's not easy. The modern world offers more educational and career opportunities for women, but the drawback is that it's not always easy for women to squeeze in having kids when they're most able to biologically (20s & early 30s).

 

[CalGal_IHB]

Women over 38 using assisted reproductive methods

Assisted reproductive methods = $$$$

If you're lucky, you'll only need an RX for Clomid (to stimulate ovulation) or some IUI (intra-uterine insemination.) But many are not as lucky and you can easily spend as much on a few rounds of IVF (in-vitro fertilization) as you make in a year. A healthy couple usually must wait until they have been actively trying to conceive for a year before being given these alternatives and to have insurance provide some coverage, if at all. These older patients are considered high-risk and are usually referred to an "R.E." (reproductive endocrinologist) or high-risk O.B. These are time-consuming, wallet-draining methods. I know more people than I can count who have had to do these. (There is another site I belong to where we have all documented our journeys to parenthood.)

I believe in Massachusetts fertility treatment is covered 100% by health insurance.

I think there are three states where fertility is covered 100% under insurance.

 

[EvaLSeraphim_IHB]

The combination of society and biology is tough on women. BA at 22, professional degree at 25, a few years to get established and bam, there she is in her 30's with only a few years (or none) before biology starts being an issue. That's a real tight schedule - I certainly never could have gotten it worked out with my complicated life and multiple career changes. I don't want to hijack, but sometimes I wonder if it would make more sense (in our society) for people to have children around 20 but for children to be raised by grandparents.

Or we, as a society, could just pay people enough to have a reasonably decent standard of living on one income and truly respect, appreciate, and value in-home work and caregiving, rather than give it lip service to that effect.

I'm not picking on you for your comment, but rather pointing out that the dilemma is really one of our own making.

 

[earthbm_IHB]

We were driving north on 5 the other day, my 9 year old saw the mountains looking particularly contrasty in the sunset, and said "look dad, they look like a videogame!" For him, videogames are the preferred reality.

Raising kids is real. Work, with its artificial incentives, targets, and achievements, is a videogame. No wonder parents prefer the structured work/videogame environment.

One solution is for the gov't to run extensive daycare, so that parents can play their work videogames.

Another is to make raising kids more like a videogame, and people do that by overdosing on "activities", "test scores", etc

Yet another is to move to Iowa.