The death of a friend

Trooper_IHB

Trooper_IHB

New member
Gosh, I got some sad news a few hours ago. An old friend passed away in her sleep on Thursday...



Now, Jacqui was someone that I met in 1985 when we were both living in Provincetown, Massachusetts. She was 10 years older than I was, so our friendship was more of a "big sister" type deal... she kept me in line when my life was slightly out of kilter. I'll never forget that.



So, while I'm remembering her, I'm experiencing a lot of emotions. Many of them have to do with how young she was when she passed, and about "have I done enough in my life?" If I left the world tomorrow, have I made as much of a difference as I could/should have ?



It's a very odd feeling, and somewhat frightening.....I have not lost very many people in my life to natural death.



Now, I'm not looking for any "I'm sorry for your loss" comments. I'm more so wondering if what I'm feeling is normal, and how do you get over that sudden panicky feeling ? The feeling like, omg... I could die anytime too. Will I ever own the restored '72 Bronco? Have I done enough? Will I ever have my dream home? Are my parents proud? Will I ever find an ideal mate ? et al.



Thoughts?



My dear friend Jacqui -

<img src="http://www.provincetownlive.net/system/image.php?file=853_jacqui.jpg&width=468" alt="" />
 
Totally normal. I had the same feelings when Tanta passed away. Except, if I can leave half the mark she did on this world, I would be happy.



And, I am sorry for your loss. Natural or not, a loss is a loss. She will be missed by many, judging by how she touched your life, I am sure there are many others like you.
 
[quote author="Trooper" date=1234102813]Now, I'm not looking for any "I'm sorry for your loss" comments. I'm more so wondering if what I'm feeling is normal, and how do you get over that sudden panicky feeling ? The feeling like, omg... I could die anytime too. Will I ever own the restored '72 Bronco? Have I done enough? Will I ever have my dream home? Are my parents proud? Will I ever find an ideal mate ? et al.



Thoughts? </blockquote>
You're normal. And in your line of work, "anytime" is literal, so I would be worried if you didn't have those feelings. Yet you are here, now, and you can refocus on your bucket list (for lack of a better term) first thing in the morning.
 
It's interesting you say that Oscar....b/c just this evening (well, morning now) I did something that I've wanted to do for a long time, but didn't have the guts. I do believe it was part of an "urge" because of Jacqui's passing....a bucket list item, if you will.
 
[quote author="Trooper" date=1234116530]It's interesting you say that Oscar....b/c just this evening (well, morning now) I did something that I've wanted to do for a long time, but didn't have the guts. I do believe it was part of an "urge" because of Jacqui's passing....a bucket list item, if you will.</blockquote>
That was you skateboarding naked down Sepulveda?
 
Yeah, death freaks me out. I guess I've already gone through the "mid-life crisis" where I think about my mortality. When we're dead, we're dead forever - and forever is a very, very long time!



I guess if I was spiritual I would think that I would be going to a better place. I want to believe that theory - but most times I believe it's just something we tell ourselves so we don't freak out about death.



Sorry for the loss of your friend. She was very pretty (on the outside), and it sounds like she was very pretty on the inside as well.
 
I know you are not looking for condolences, but I am still sorry for your loss. Your feelings are normal. I lost a young friend five years ago in a car accident. It made me realize how we can be taken at any moment, young or old, and without any warning. Since then I have become much less inhibited, mainly when it comes to letting people know how I feel. When I appreciate somebody I do not hold back and I make sure they know it. I do not have a checklist of things to do. I just made sure that I was prepared to meet my maker. I am prepared and welcome the end of my time here when it is time to go.
 
Ditto everyone else...I once read an interview of a CEO type where he mentioned his father died suddenly when he was 18, and from that point on, this man never made long-term plans for his personal life any more.



My wife often asks me why I feel the rush to try new things "the same day". It does get morbid, but methinks it's a good attitude to have.



So...what was it that you did, troop?
 
Our reactions to death have so much to do with our own personal experience with death. We grow more accustomed to it as the years pass. A friend of mine lived through most of his male relatives on his father's side dying of heart attacks before the age of 45, including his father. He is now 40 and is really unaffected by death it seems. One of his close friends committed suicide on Wednesday of this week. His attitude is amazing, I don't think he's in denial, he's just beyond where most of us are when it comes to dealing with death. Experience your feelings fully and understand that although it's never easy, you will use this experience to formulate your own reactions for the next time you are confronted with the death of someone close. You will achieve a much more philosophical attitude that will somehow carry you through with more peace.
 
As mentioned above, these feelings are normal. I had a loss this past week of someone very close to me (the first time I've ever encountered a loss of someone in that realm), and I noticed a couple of things about myself over the last few days:



1. Emotional swings. Immediately after the loss, I felt very happy for the person involved, knowing that the pain and suffering had ended, and also knowing that they had lived a good full life. The next morning, however, I called in and pretty much stayed in bed the whole morning, not wanting to do anything. This has pretty much played out throughout the week, but has started to subside. Still, a couple of friends have told me that these feelings may come back during the year when certain dates on the calendar come about that are closely associated with this person. Birthdays and possibly holidays are the obvious thing that come to mind here, as do reminders of special times with that person (a vacation together, or a time where a heartfelt talk occurred, etc.). Of course this stops when I preoccupy myself with the everyday things that need to be done, but then it comes back after a while.



2. Some compelling need to pick up one of their traits and keep it going. In my particular case, that would be to always lend a helping hand in my normal everyday life to people around me, whether it be a co-worker, neighbor, stranger at the coffee shop, etc. It would be a living tribute to that person's legacy. I have yet to act on it, probably because I've been moping around the house as much as possible holding a pity party for myself, but I suspect it will be coming out in due time.



To answer your question on getting over that "sudden panicky feeling", I would think that time would handle that on its own. I haven't encountered that over the last few days, at least not yet. Just remember that you live for yourself and your own expectations, not anyone else and certainly not their expectations. If you keep that in mind, then all should be well. :)
 
Trooper, just look at your feelings in a positive way, the passing of someone we care about usualy wakes us up and makes us realize that today <em>could</em> be our last chance to do what we've been meaning to...



They could be simple things like calling/e-mailing an old Friend you haven't spoken to for a while, or something that takes considerably more time and effort such Rowing single handedly across the Atlantic...





Whatever it is, we need to do them while we can.
 
[quote author="Oscar" date=1234117648][quote author="Trooper" date=1234116530]It's interesting you say that Oscar....b/c just this evening (well, morning now) I did something that I've wanted to do for a long time, but didn't have the guts. I do believe it was part of an "urge" because of Jacqui's passing....a bucket list item, if you will.</blockquote>
That was you skateboarding naked down Sepulveda?</blockquote>


No, She test drove a '72 Bronco...;-)
 
Thanks all for your thoughts.



almon - I have decided to finally travel to Europe and took steps towards that goal yesterday.



And I also placed a bid on a 72 Bronco - not a terribly high bid, but with this economy....it might fly.



<img src="http://i14.ebayimg.com/06/i/001/2e/eb/3701_1.JPG" alt="" />
 
[quote author="Trooper" date=1234216844]Thanks all for your thoughts.



almon - I have decided to finally travel to Europe and took steps towards that goal yesterday.



And I also placed a bid on a 72 Bronco - not a terribly high bid, but with this economy....it might fly.



<img src="http://i14.ebayimg.com/06/i/001/2e/eb/3701_1.JPG" alt="" /></blockquote>


hey hey - love that color...if it was green or some other blah color, i would drop you on general principle.



europa europa, here comes troopa!!
 
Trooper



Sorry to hear of your loss.



Go for the Bronco and do some off roading.



Here is a poem for you that may put some things into perspective:



I would rather be ashes than dust!

I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot.

I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.

The proper function of man is to live, not exist.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them, I shall use my time."

? Jack London 1876-1916



Many people do not fear death but they fear to live.





enjoy
 
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