So it's Sept. 2007 and I'm the Matron of Honor in my best friend's wedding. My husband was a groomsman. I had reached the point where I knew we needed to have a Serious Discussion about the state of our marriage, but I didn't want us to be breaking up while in the wedding party so I figured I could endure until after the wedding.
After the rehearsal dinner, hubby horses around with his high school buddies, falls off the back of a truck, and breaks both his arms. I spend the night in urgent care, getting painkillers, and then finding my shoes, ironing my dress and finishing my speech as well as calling folks who can get hubby ready for the wedding while I'm at the salon and doing the girly stuff. Luckily, my in-laws were in town so I pawned him off on them. I am also not pleased because I can't very well leave a guy on Vicodin and sleeping on propped up pillows.
Fast forward to after the ceremony and a bazillion forced smiles later. I have champagne on the bus to the reception site. I have one glass of wine during dinner, and tell myself "I just have to get through the speech, and then I can get drunk." And that's exactly what I did.
I wake up in the hotel room at 4:45 am, still in my bridesmaid dress, next to my husband, with no memory of how I got there.
Me: "What happened? I missed the after party!"
Him: "Yes you did. You don't remember?"
Me: "The last thing I remember was doing a buttery nipple shot with [the bride]. And then I remember walking over to the table and sitting down."
Him: "All I know is that you disappeared at some point and [wedding guest] came to find me and tell me that you were ill in the bathroom.
Me: "Okay, I kinda remember barfing in a sink."
Him: "Yeah, [2 female guest names] were in there with you, and someone asked the staff for a bag because you kept throwing up, and you ended up barfing into a giant black trashbag all the way down the steps [of the Balboa Pavilion] and up the street to the hotel. It took 5 people to get you down the stairs. I couldn't help obviously."
Me: "Oh god. I don't remember that at all. Who all was there?"
Him: [lists guests, including a nurse] "You kept thanking [nurse] for helping you and she kept telling you that it was okay and she was used to it."
Me: "Ugh...well, at least I was thankful."
Him: "Yeah, my mom and I walked you back to the hotel."
Me: "Your mom did?"
Him: "Yeah, someone had to help me with you. It was pretty funny. As soon as we opened the door you missed the bed and fell right on the floor. You got right back up and laid on the bed. My mom tried to pull the pins out of your hair, but gave up."
Me: "Oh my god. I fell on the floor in front of your mom. I'm never gonna live that down. And that would explain my hair and that pile of pins on the nightstand."
I take off the bodice of my bridesmaid dress, and 3 pieces of paper fall out.
Me: "What the...?" I pick one up. "Who the hell is Patricia?!"
Him: "Your new best friend. You don't remember?"
Me: "No! Why is her phone number...and email address...in my dress?" I pick up the other paper scraps. "What the f***, who is Chris?"
Him: "That's her husband. They hung out at our table for a while. You and she bonded and decided to form the No Babies Club."
Me: "Oh. My. God. I don't remember that AT ALL."
Him: "Yeah, she was pretty drunk, too. I had to deal with this drunk woman who kept leaning on my arm and telling me how "coooool" my wife was. You guys talked for quite some time."
Me: "Oh man. Sorry about that. I can't believe I don't remember a whole new person."
Him: "Oh, yeah, and at one point I told you that maybe you should stop drinking and you looked at me defiantly, picked up the glass of wine in front of you and chugged it."
Me: "I. Didn't."
Him: "You did."
Me: "No wonder I barfed. I am so sorry."
Fast forward to the next day, in the hotel courtyard for the gift opening. I endure my mother in law asking me how I was doing with a smirk, the bride telling me what I missed after I barfed my way down the stairs, and having to ask folks where my bag that I had at the reception ended up.
Later, at lunch:
Me, to the newlyweds: "What if I run into Patricia at one of your parties? I won't remember anything! I only know what she looks like because [guest] took my camera during that period and took a bunch of random pictures of us."
Groom: "Well, she was pretty drunk, too, so maybe she won't remember you either."
Me: "I can hope."
And I never got that drunk ever, ever again.
