DeadbeatRoommate said:
ISM -- Thank you so much for sharing and giving us all a little perspective.
I remember how much I struggled when I became a mom the first time round. Then one my friends became a single mom when her husband left, and one of my unmarried friends had a baby (boyfriend was unemployed, so no child support). Then I realized what an ungrateful wretch I was. It was a big turning point for me that enabled me to (a) realize that I had to suck it up and figure out a better way for me to take care of my family without leaning on my husband so much; and (b) reach beyond my own situation and try to do something to help my friends with their situations.
Would you mind sharing more about how you are making it all work as a single parent in Irvine? Also would you mind sharing about concrete and tangible ways for well-meaning ignorant folks like me to help out our single parent friends? I found that it was much easier to help my unmarried friend -- she was absolutely broke and very willing to accept help. My divorced friend was a professional (doctor), it seemed harder to figure out ways of helping her that she was willing to accept, even though I know that she must have been just as desperate for support during that rough time. Please, if you would share some ideas about how to be helpful, it would be much appreciated.
Deadbeat - thanks for asking this question. You are a good friend to even think along these lines.
I am in a unique situation for a single mother; I really don't have any money worries. Don't get me wrong - I live in a 1000 square foot rental and I wear clothes from Target. But like I said, I have a very comfortable nest egg from being smart in 2006 and not buying a house after the divorce. I have an advanced degree (MBA) and earn a comfortable salary as a manager in a medical device company. (I worked my butt off through college with a job, loans, etc., I bought my first car at age 23 and my first house at age 28, all with my own money...so no silver spoon in my mouth). My company is on solid ground and I never worry about getting laid off. I just bought a new car (a Toyota) a few months ago, and I spent one week hiking, kayaking and biking in Southern Utah in the beginning of May, at a resort/spa. A budget resort, as opposed to Canyon Ranch, but a resort nonetheless. So from this perspective, I know and appreciate how good I have it. So I don't have any advice for what you can do to help someone financially, except just write a check which is what I do with my friend in Aliso when things are getting particularly bad for her and her daughter.
My problem is solely social. I have a best friend in Texas, and a best friend in San Francisco. I am a "different" kind of person so I don't make friends too easily. I have a father in San Diego but it's not like he's up here every weekend helping out or anything. We see each other once every few months. So I spend most of my off-work time alone with my son.
What do I mean by "different"? I'm not religious, for one thing. In fact, I'm what most people would call an athiest although I hate being labeled. (I choose to call myself "tolerant" - I believe everyone should be free to worship - or not worship - exactly as they please as long as their resulting words and actions cause no harm to other people, including their own children. Personally, I find the thought of causing harm to another person to be completely repugnant, but there are many, many religious people who wouldn't hesitate to...think Crusades, think 9/11, think Palestine/Israel, and on and on. The author Christopher Hitchens does a more articulate job than I do explaining what I believe and why I believe it. Anyway, not being religious is a big roadblock to forming relationships in this country since most people are believers and, while I can get along just fine with a believer on a shallow basis, I can't form a deep friendship and certainly can't imagine a romantic relationship with such a person.) And something else that is different about me is that I'm an extreme athlete cloaked in an overweight mom's body. If I had full control of my life (like I did when I was in my 20s), I would go hiking every day with the OC Hiking and Backpacking club, I'd lift weights 3 days a week, and do two hours on the Stepmill 4 days a week, in addition to traveling all over the country and the world to the best hiking destinations several times a year. I would join all kinds of clubs and attend all the social events of the IHB, etc.
But I have a higher priority than my own selfish needs - I am not one of those absent moms who takes care of her own needs first. I absolutely refuse to pick up my son from school, where he spent all day in before and after-school care along with three hours of kindergarten, and proceed to drop him off at a babysitters or at the gym babysitters so I can go for a hike or a gym workout, or go out on a social event. He spends 10 hours a day away from me - I think that a mother who would voluntarily go to a class, or out with friends, or to the gym, after being away from her child for 10 hours, should never have become a mom in the first place.