socal78
Well-known member
I need to discuss this but I can't do it on Facebook because a certain person there will read it and know I'm talking about her.
It's about that unspoken social rule where someone gives you a gift and then you feel obligated to give them one back. But what happens when you no longer want to. How do you get off the merry-go-round?
This has been going on for YEARS. No. Not years. Decades. With a really old friend of mine.
I haven't considered us to be good friends for a very long time. However, she won't stop sending me presents. I haven't seen her or spoken to her in over 2 years! Yet she sends my kids and I Christmas presents and a gift for my birthday as well as cards throughout the rest of the year. It happened again in December. Like I said, I don't think we've been in touch since maybe 2010 or so. However, I try to be a decent human being and therefore, sent her a birthday gift in return. Honestly, I don't really want to spend the time, effort, and money on someone who is not in my life anymore. I've even wondered if she keeps up this relationship simply for the gift-giving! This probably wouldn't be such an issue if I didn't think she expected one. For example, I love giving gifts to people I genuinely like who I keep in touch with and I don't care if one is given back to me. I give for the joy of giving. However, I know that is not her!
I stayed up late one night Google'ing to find the solution to all of this. One site suggested confronting the issue by writing about it in the card at Christmas time... something that goes like this: "Lately I've been feeling like we have drifted apart. I figure we both have enough to worry about with getting gifts for our families and the people closest to us. Maybe you have been feeling the same way?? So, this year I decided to just send you a card expressing my warmest wishes. Please don't worry about getting me anything..."
I thought that was actually a very solid suggestion. But I decided to try something else first that I came up with myself. I set course on a gift-giving trajectory of lowering the value each occasion until I was down to nothing. Let me demonstrate, assuming the value of the previous gift she gave me was around $50:
See?
It took forever but I worked my way down to the donation. She responded by sending me a birthday gift of -- guess! -- a magazine subscription! I thought she was getting the hint. But. Then. Christmas came and she gave way more than expected to my kids and I. :-\
Now, what?!? Her birthday is coming up in 6 weeks. I have no idea what to do. Keep moving down the ladder with just an email? I feel so awkward after her recent generosity. ???
It's about that unspoken social rule where someone gives you a gift and then you feel obligated to give them one back. But what happens when you no longer want to. How do you get off the merry-go-round?
This has been going on for YEARS. No. Not years. Decades. With a really old friend of mine.
I haven't considered us to be good friends for a very long time. However, she won't stop sending me presents. I haven't seen her or spoken to her in over 2 years! Yet she sends my kids and I Christmas presents and a gift for my birthday as well as cards throughout the rest of the year. It happened again in December. Like I said, I don't think we've been in touch since maybe 2010 or so. However, I try to be a decent human being and therefore, sent her a birthday gift in return. Honestly, I don't really want to spend the time, effort, and money on someone who is not in my life anymore. I've even wondered if she keeps up this relationship simply for the gift-giving! This probably wouldn't be such an issue if I didn't think she expected one. For example, I love giving gifts to people I genuinely like who I keep in touch with and I don't care if one is given back to me. I give for the joy of giving. However, I know that is not her!
I stayed up late one night Google'ing to find the solution to all of this. One site suggested confronting the issue by writing about it in the card at Christmas time... something that goes like this: "Lately I've been feeling like we have drifted apart. I figure we both have enough to worry about with getting gifts for our families and the people closest to us. Maybe you have been feeling the same way?? So, this year I decided to just send you a card expressing my warmest wishes. Please don't worry about getting me anything..."
I thought that was actually a very solid suggestion. But I decided to try something else first that I came up with myself. I set course on a gift-giving trajectory of lowering the value each occasion until I was down to nothing. Let me demonstrate, assuming the value of the previous gift she gave me was around $50:
- Birthday: Token item (bracelet) picked out at a gift shop. Wrapped. Postage paid. Delivered. Value: $25 < $50
- Christmas: Movie Tickets. < $25
- Birthday: Magazine Subscription. < Movie Tickets
- Christmas: Charitable donation made in her name. Value to her < Subscription
- Birthday: An email or Facebook post. No card mailed to her home. < Donation
See?
It took forever but I worked my way down to the donation. She responded by sending me a birthday gift of -- guess! -- a magazine subscription! I thought she was getting the hint. But. Then. Christmas came and she gave way more than expected to my kids and I. :-\
Now, what?!? Her birthday is coming up in 6 weeks. I have no idea what to do. Keep moving down the ladder with just an email? I feel so awkward after her recent generosity. ???
She thanked me for her birthday lunch. I thought it was rude that she seemed to think I owed her. I just can't imagine doing that to someone especially if I invite them out. We always split the check but in many cases between friends, the one who does the inviting is the one who offers to pay. That's standard between myself and other friends. When I invite, I pick up the check although usually the other person will offer to pay their half.