Funny quotes found on the web

[lnc]

Just discover GS Elevator Gossip (Things heard in the Goldman Sachs elevators do not stay in the Goldman Sachs elevators).  Lot of cool quotes.

Don't get married until you're at least 35. You want a Trophy wife not a Participation Medal wife

Don?t wear shoes memorable enough to be recognized under a bathroom stall.

Who trusts a justice system where all the smart people get out of jury duty?

My liberal friends excited for a new iPhone, made by kids in China, from rare metals, mined by slaves, from a company that pays no tax.

Football season is the only time of year when unemployed people know when Monday is

I?ve met plenty of 6s who become 9s b/c of a great personality, but even more 10s who become 4s due to a shitty one.

No chick is as happy as she seems on Facebook, as sexy as she appears on Instagram, or as funny as she is on Twitter.

As a society, we?re actually smarter than ever.  It?s just that technology has given a voice to the unsophisticated masses

Vegetarian' is an ancient derogatory term for an idiot who couldn't fish or hunt

I just want to be rich enough to hate weekends. That's when all the riffraff are out

I want a girlfriend strong and independent enough to change a flat tire, and hot enough that she never has to

https://twitter.com/GSElevator

 

[lnc]

Here's more. 

19 Essential Rules for Office Bathroom Etiquette:

1. Don't spend more time building the nest than you spend sitting on it.

2. Don't wear shoes memorable enough to be recognized under a bathroom stall.

3. Find the safe haven toilets, usually located on the client meeting floor (with nicer bathrooms).

4. Don't provide colleagues with any details of your experience (i.e. "I just created a Pollock on porcelain masterpiece").

5. Don't wait for someone to open the door for you or bother using a hand towel on the knob. Grow up. If you shake hands, ride in cabs, or eat in restaurants, this won't make a difference.

6. Don't take a newspaper with you. No, guys, you are not exempt; this applies to all 56 genders. There's a reason why smartphones are so unsanitary.

7. No long conversations at the urinal (a simple "Hey man" or nod is acceptable). And, absolutely no talking between stalls.

8. Don't announce your trips beforehand. I can't help but time you, and I really don't want to. My Cosmograph Daytona isn't just for looks; it's got a stopwatch.

9. The only thing worse than seeing a legible ID badge at someone's ankles is watching it scrape against the putrid tiles below the bowl. It begs the question, "What other bad choices are you making?"

10. No loitering. Get in and out as efficiently as possible; you never know what you'll encounter. I once saw what I can only presume was a four-legged man in stall at a gas station on I-95.

11. Avoid the last stall; studies have shown it to be the most unsanitary because people incorrectly assume it to be the least trafficked. The same is true with the handicapped-only toilets, but that's for other reasons (lonely nights working late).

12. If there's a nice hotel nearby, take a walk. Then grab a coffee on your way back, just to let your stomach know who's boss.

13. Don't talk on the phone. If I'm on the other end and I hear an echo, any weird noises, or even a sloppy attempt at muting, I'm hanging up.

14. If you toss your tie over your shoulder at the urinal, either your tie is too long or your d*ck is too short.

15. Don't flush with your foot. All you're doing is transferring urine and fecal matter from the floor to the handle. Do you not trust your own ability to wash your hands?

16. They're not movie theater seats. I don't care how entertaining this timeline is, handle your business and get out. (Hiding interns get a pass on this.)

17. No laughing at (or acknowledging) the strange noises. And, no jokes. We've all heard "How do blind people know when to stop wiping?" before.

18. No pulling rank. In the bathroom, everyone is equal, including your boss' boss.

19. Don't spit gum into the urinal. The guy who has to pick that out with his hands took two buses and a 5 a.m. train to get here, and he still manages to smile when he says hello.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/gselevator/workplace-bathroom-etiquette_b_5812646.html