Relationships

socal78

Well-known member
I'm filing this under Health because I suppose it's emotional health.

I sometimes have trouble understanding the way men think. I have a pretty basic question for you men:

If a man does not get jealous of another guy flirting with his partner, does that mean he doesn't really care that much (about her)?

What I am told it means is that he so confident and secure in the relationship that he does not feel threatened by any other person. Since he is not one bit concerned, he doesn't react. I kind of get it and I kind of don't. If the tables were turned, I think most women would struggle to not react *at all* no matter how much they trust their partner. It's just a visceral response. Unless you really, truly, don't care what happens.
 
It depends on the guy.  Some are jealous and others aren't.  Some guys like other guys looking at their girls, and others get belligerent when it happens. 

In your case, I would say if there was a sudden "change" in the way the partner reacted (where he used to be jealous now he's complacent), then it could be due to a lack of caring.

It also has a lot to do with the guy that's flirting with the partner.  If a big ugly guy flirted with my wife I think I wouldn't care much.  However, if Brad Womack flirted with my wife (this guy was bachelor a few years back and my wife thinks he's the hottest thing ever), then I'd be considerably more jealous.

So many different factors can enter into the reaction of the partner.
 
The reaction, or absence thereof, could have nothing to do with the relationship. An insecure man/woman will lash-out when threatened by a flirt.
 
aquabliss said:
It also has a lot to do with the guy that's flirting with the partner.

What if you haven't seen the guy/s? Would you want to know more or just shrug it off.
 
Mate guarding is unattractive.  If he reacted to the flirting he would look weak.  Showing jealousy is a weakness, and you would think less of him. 

Maybe he wanted to react to the flirting, but he knows how the game works.
 
In healthy relationships, there's usually open communication on these topics and trust between partners.  In these relationships, the feeling is usually mutual...but yeah it does seem a bit unusual to just shrug it off and not want to know any more...

Guys are pretty simple creatures I think...we either care or we don't.  Some pay care too much and get insecure and others just "go through the motions."  Never the less, open communication is best.  Have a talk with him/her and find out what's really going on..

Best of luck!  :)
 
aquabliss said:
In your case, I would say if there was a sudden "change" in the way the partner reacted (where he used to be jealous now he's complacent), then it could be due to a lack of caring.

Hmm, looking for a change -- good point!

It's been the same forever. He's never reacted jealously. Overall, he has what I would call a very laid-back personality and has gotten moreso as he's gotten older. Little reaction to most things such as happy events, sad events, scary events, frustrating events, etc. If emotions were a roller coaster, his would be relatively flat. I've often told him if he won the Lotto, when most people would be jumping up & down, his reaction would probably be: (Hands in pockets) "Hmm. Okay. Nice." He says that's true. 
 
SoCal said:
aquabliss said:
It also has a lot to do with the guy that's flirting with the partner.

What if you haven't seen the guy/s? Would you want to know more or just shrug it off.

This is just me, I'm pretty low-key and sounds like your SO is too.  I'd hate if I had to deal with that kind of drama whenever some guy flirted with my wife.

IMO, I only want to hear about it if you want me to do something about it (i,e, dumb-dumb isn't taking the hint and dropping it) or there's something creepy about it you need to make me aware in case the creepo didn't get the hint.  Or your a little creeped out and just need a sounding board to recenter but no looking for reaction out of me.

Otherwise, it feels like emotional fishing, and that's not good. IMO.
 
SoCal said:
aquabliss said:
In your case, I would say if there was a sudden "change" in the way the partner reacted (where he used to be jealous now he's complacent), then it could be due to a lack of caring.

Hmm, looking for a change -- good point!

It's been the same forever. He's never reacted jealously. Overall, he has what I would call a very laid-back personality and has gotten moreso as he's gotten older. Little reaction to most things such as happy events, sad events, scary events, frustrating events, etc. If emotions were a roller coaster, his would be relatively flat. I've often told him if he won the Lotto, when most people would be jumping up & down, his reaction would probably be: (Hands in pockets) "Hmm. Okay. Nice." He says that's true. 

In that case since his personality has been pretty 'evenflow', I don't think it's anything to be alarmed about.  Probably tough to change that after so many years as well - but I'm sure your used to it.
 
SoclosetoIrvine said:
  Never the less, open communication is best.  Have a talk with him/her and find out what's really going on..

Best of luck!  :)

It's good advice. I have done my best to figure it out many times and he does his best to answer. Answers are typical guy answers: brief, simple, one or two word answers. Despite being "simple", I struggle to understand the line of thinking. It could be because I have a more high-strung personality. He is very mellow. We are opposites in that regard. I also read between the lines. He is more "surfacey".
 
SoCal, I have to let you in on a little known secret about us guys. When we are asked a question, our brains go crazy figuring out multiple scenarios and outcomes and the impact this will have on all sorts of aspects relating to different relationships in our lives. We want to just go on long winded discussions about any and all what-if scenarios and how this will impact us emotionally. It tears us apart on the inside. We then bite our tongues, shrug and just grunt out a two word half answer. Just kidding, that was probably just the best answer we could come up with.
 
Peppy -- woah -- you had me, hook, line, and sinker! Reading your post, I thought I finally found the answer to unlocking the mystery of men! That was a good one.
 
As a bro helping another bro hoping another bro helps me in the future, I'm sure nothing is going on.  You might've found a true gem who just has 100% faith in you and your relationship.  I've found like "nerdy" or "techy" guys generally fall into this category...

we men are straight forward...you ask us a question, we give you a solution.  We don't bother with the emotional process (who/what/why) we just go straight problem solving.  If he has 100% faith in you, then there is no problem = no need to talk = few grunts ..donezo!
 
nosuchreality said:
SoCal said:
aquabliss said:
It also has a lot to do with the guy that's flirting with the partner.

What if you haven't seen the guy/s? Would you want to know more or just shrug it off.

This is just me, I'm pretty low-key and sounds like your SO is too.  I'd hate if I had to deal with that kind of drama whenever some guy flirted with my wife.

IMO, I only want to hear about it if you want me to do something about it (i,e, dumb-dumb isn't taking the hint and dropping it) or there's something creepy about it you need to make me aware in case the creepo didn't get the hint.  Or your a little creeped out and just need a sounding board to recenter but no looking for reaction out of me.

Otherwise, it feels like emotional fishing, and that's not good. IMO.

When I said, "Would you want to know more", I meant would the guy ask. It did not mean -- would you want her to bring it up and rub it in your face by telling you all about it. I was trying to say -- would there be a natural curiosity on his part or not, i.e. would he care enough to ask. Not sure what you mean by drama and emotional fishing unless you're referring to someone else or maybe it was just the way the question was worded.
 
I read the "what if you haven't seen the guys" and interpreted that as if I'm not told I'll be unaware that some one tried to flirt with my wife. 

Then the 2nd part comes across as seeking a reason to inform them.

Given my expectations that guys will flirt with or hit on women they find attractive, I expect that guys will do so on my wife.

Kind of like telling me the sky is blue. 

So if I'm being told, am I bein told the sky is blue, the sky is a really pretty blue or the sky has an nasty looking storm cloud in it.
 
irvinehomeowner said:
So does this thread mean that SoCal wants her hubby to be jelly?

Get hims on a regiment of testosterone supplement and excessive amounts of anabolic steroids. He'll be hulking anytime someone even looks at her. Side effects may be a balding head and susceptibility to heart attacks. 
 
Socal is wondering why her man is not reacting to flirtations from another suitor.  It makes her feel like her man doesn't care for her.

Why doesn't he react?  Why is he so confident?....so sexy....

As opposed to:

My husband got pissed off another man was flirting with me...He's so insecure...He should trust that I can handle it myself..what a weakling.

Strategically speaking, your man played it correctly.
 
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