Adopted Children - Tell them or not?

Over the weekend, I was out shopping and overheard an unusual conversation. An older woman was inside the store with her son, who appeared to be about 16 or 17 years old. The son went for a walk around the very small store while his mom was shopping. Another woman walked in and recognized the mother who, she apparently hadn't seen in years. The two women began happily catching up on things that have happened in the time since they've seen each other. The woman said to the mother in a very loud voice, "The last time I saw you, you had just adopted a baby boy! How's he doing?" The mother abruptly said, "SSHHHHH!!! Don't say a word! He doesn't know and he's here somewhere!" :gulp: Of course by this point, I'm not really shopping but just pretending to browse around them so I can find out what happens next, LOL. I looked for the guy to see if he just heard this bombshell announcement. Then I saw him standing right outside the door, on the other side of the glass. So, it didn't look like he heard anything, but my God - what a way to find out something like that. I wondered if she hasn't told him by now, who knows, maybe she never plans to or not for a very long time.



I know some of you have adopted. What do you plan to tell your kids and why?



I think I would do what Barbara Walters did. She adopted a daughter and told her from a very young age, "Some babies grow in their mother's tummies. You grew in my heart." As they get older, you use terminology they can understand.

[quote author="SoCal78" date=1257933974]Over the weekend, I was out shopping and overheard an unusual conversation. An older woman was inside the store with her son, who appeared to be about 16 or 17 years old. The son went for a walk around the very small store while his mom was shopping. Another woman walked in and recognized the mother who, she apparently hadn't seen in years. The two women began happily catching up on things that have happened in the time since they've seen each other. The woman said to the mother in a very loud voice, "The last time I saw you, you had just adopted a baby boy! How's he doing?" The mother abruptly said, "SSHHHHH!!! Don't say a word! He doesn't know and he's here somewhere!" :gulp: Of course by this point, I'm not really shopping but just pretending to browse around them so I can find out what happens next, LOL. I looked for the guy to see if he just heard this bombshell announcement. Then I saw him standing right outside the door, on the other side of the glass. So, it didn't look like he heard anything, but my God - what a way to find out something like that. I wondered if she hasn't told him by now, who knows, maybe she never plans to or not for a very long time.



I know some of you have adopted. What do you plan to tell your kids and why?



I think I would do what Barbara Walters did. She adopted a daughter and told her from a very young age, "Some babies grow in their mother's tummies. You grew in my heart." As they get older, you use terminology they can understand.</blockquote>


I'll preface my comments with the following: I don't have an opinion about what's right or wrong for other people. I'll simply provide my thoughts about what would be right for me.



My brother-in-law's uncle was adopted and he didn't find out until he was in his 20s or 30s. As I understand it, he found out when an extended family member slipped and spilled the beans. Crap hit the fan and the family never recovered.



I've thought about this at length because I would like to adopt a child one day (or care for foster kids). If I was an adoptive parent, I would tell my children from a very young age, as described above. I would want my kids to have the opportunity to decide whether or not they wanted to locate/contact their biological parents one day. I could not, in good conscience, deny my children this choice, as painful as it could be for me. Additionally, I cannot imagine the stress and anxiety associated with concealing the information. I'd always look over my shoulder, wondering if/when somebody would spill the beans. I'd be a paranoid wreck.

I wonder how would any of you reacted if you find out that <strong>you</strong> were adopted.



My mother keep telling me that she found me right next to a dumpster, but I think she is just kidding... but that would explains a lot of things, you know.

I think it depends on how old we were when we found out.



For me, it would be no big deal really. My parents were the ones who raised me.



Would I seek out my biological parents? Maybe, but only to determine if I have other relatives... but that might throw a wrench in their lives that I don't think I have the right to throw.



There is more than just the adopted and adopting parties in any mix.

[quote author="irvine_home_owner" date=1257998484]I think it depends on how old we were when we found out.



For me, it would be no big deal really. My parents were the ones who raised me.



Would I seek out my biological parents? Maybe, but only to determine if I have other relatives... but that might throw a wrench in their lives that I don't think I have the right to throw.



There is more than just the adopted and adopting parties in any mix.</blockquote>


Oh No! more 3CWG loving relatives out there?

[quote author="Astute Observer" date=1257981451]I wonder how would any of you reacted if you find out that <strong>you</strong> were adopted.



My mother keep telling me that she found me right next to a dumpster, but I think she is just kidding... but that would explains a lot of things, you know.</blockquote>


All Chinese parents said that. They also called their children pig, dog, cat and other species.

This is totally hypothetical, but I would definitely tell my child if he/she were adopted. Maybe there was a stigma in the past about adoption, but I don't think it exists anymore. I would probably do some thinking about how I would tell the child, but I would start at a young age. I'm sure I'd emphasize how much we wanted and loved him/her.



One scenario I would worry about, though, is if I had one adopted and one biological child. Would the adopted one always feel (even subconsciously) that we would love him or her less than the biological one?

my brother and his wife have a biological son (all caucasian) and an adopted daughter (chinese). they've been telling her since she was able to speak.



of course, with the race difference, i don't think there is any other way.

[quote author="traceimage" date=1258009573]This is totally hypothetical, but I would definitely tell my child if he/she were adopted. Maybe there was a stigma in the past about adoption, but I don't think it exists anymore. I would probably do some thinking about how I would tell the child, but I would start at a young age. I'm sure I'd emphasize how much we wanted and loved him/her.



One scenario I would worry about, though, is if I had one adopted and one biological child. Would the adopted one always feel (even subconsciously) that we would love him or her less than the biological one?</blockquote>


I have heard of families who tell their adopted children something to the effect that biological children are born into families (not chosen) and so they are even more special because their families actually chose them.

[quote author="tmare" date=1258065928][quote author="traceimage" date=1258009573]This is totally hypothetical, but I would definitely tell my child if he/she were adopted. Maybe there was a stigma in the past about adoption, but I don't think it exists anymore. I would probably do some thinking about how I would tell the child, but I would start at a young age. I'm sure I'd emphasize how much we wanted and loved him/her.



One scenario I would worry about, though, is if I had one adopted and one biological child. Would the adopted one always feel (even subconsciously) that we would love him or her less than the biological one?</blockquote>


I have heard of families who tell their adopted children something to the effect that biological children are born into families (not chosen) and so they are even more special because their families actually chose them.</blockquote>


I like this "chosen" angle. I think if I had an adopted child, I'd go this route. "Hey, we just got stuck with your brother, but we PICKED you!"

Of course you tell them. They WILL find out eventually and resent the fact that you never told them. This is not something you can hide in this day and age. Although in my case it was obvious due to differing physical characteristics, I was told from an early age and it was no big deal at all. Even though I eventually met my "birth" mother, I always viewed the good folks who put in the time and effort to raise me as my parents - period.