roundcorners
New member
I wanted to start a thread compiling some of my experiences in trying to develop relationships around town in Irvine. These are just my general observations and personal experiences; I welcome dissenting experiences and contrary opinions.
1) Time constraints (Work) - Yes, we know everyone these days are busy, however when both parents usually work to help pay the mortgage, it just makes things a lot worst. One can come to the conclusion that the higher the lifestyle-to-income ratio the more stressed out the families are and the more external relationships fall to the way side. In addition to being highly talented & actively recruited by the job centers around Irvine, most Irvinites are overworked or addicted to work. Long ago are the times in our culture where we can simply pop on by unannounced at our neighbor?s doorsteps; there are still some older established neighborhoods where the time honored tradition is still upheld or remembered; when you interrupt an elder-empty nester in their front yard, they are not in a hurry to end the conversation with you. Unfortunately for much newer neighborhoods like Irvine, there never was a tradition for unannounced interruptions; permission was never given to interrupt someone?s time.
2) Too many Asians ? Asians are not known for their social and interpersonal relationship skills. You will probably never hear a Chinese mom telling their children to focus on building meaningful friendships, developing their emotional wellbeing, and working on communication and conflict resolutions skills.
3) Too much diversity ? I actually think there is such a thing. We all know diversity is a good thing but without work and effort, too much of it hinders social relations; again especially when we live in a culture of political hypersensitivity and context without widely accepted general social contracts. It is hard to say hello, and start a conversation when roughly 4 out of 10 people you meet doesn?t speak English. I also honestly forget what the fine differences between Arabic, Persian, Persian-Iranian & Armenians (sorry). I can understand most people?s dilemmas when trying to determine when I say I?m Taiwanese versus Chinese; and the subtle political and historical tensions between the two. Overall diversity conversation can be a good thing say in a university; but not at the pocket parks, Club House or Trader Joe's where conversation is mostly kept to a shallow polite minimum and the chance of a deeper relationship where parties decide to exchange contact information are about 1 in 30.
4) Image of wealth & independence ? From the cheapest IAC to the multi-million dollar Newport Coast estates TIC needs to make sure each property projects an image of wealth, power and influence. Being residences of these properties, the occupants naturally take on these characteristics. Even if you?re dirt poor, living pay check to pay check in your Woodbury affordable housing or Shady Canyon house; the pressure to maintain the image of wealth surpasses the very real need to: ask for financial or any assistance, feel included in various social circles, and show vulnerability to others. People on the Irvine Ranch simply see each other as wealthy, beautiful, independent people without a need or care in the world. Everyone automatically assumes that everyone else has a wealth of relationships at their disposal; therefore reluctant to appear desperate for a friend.
5) Real wealth & independence ? Despite the appeared wealth there are a lot of real wealthy people in Irvine. I recently meet up with a friend?s parents who live in Newport Coast; it blows me away every time I go up there, how people can live so isolated and disconnected from those around them; real wealthy people do not want to be found, disturbed, accidently run into or ?solicited?; especially at their residence. I had to pass one community gates, two security guards, a driveway house gate and a gate before the front door. I guess it is understandable that wealthy people do not want to be found; but the average Irvine residence have also adopted this mentality that their time and presence is worth much more than yours; and they can?t possibly stop their schedule to start, develop or maintain a worthy relationship.
6) Homogeneous life stage ? I used to think that, when an entire neighborhood is in the same life stage that it is a great thing; people can easily relate to one another as they are all in the same situations. I have come to realize each life stage has its particular challenges; it?s hard to see the forest from the trees when everyone has the same perspective. In our culture peers see each other as competition, directly or indirectly. Upon introduction, the typical Irvine residence can usually sizes each other up fairly quickly, both parties can typically tell right away, who makes more money, who lives in the bigger house and drive the better car. There is bound to be tension between neighbors when the median age of an entire city is in their most competitive career driven life stage; when very educated parents hover so closely over their children?s lives even before birth; when every family is already so self-focused with limited resources that no one has anything left to give to anyone else. A lack in life stage diversity creates more conflicts than it alleviates; without wise proper perspectives, grace and modest voices from elder neighbors everyone is just trying to fill their house with as much material junk as possible, cram as many useless hours of busy activity; hopping to impress peers they don?t like, spend money they don?t have, all to keep from examining their pointless lives.
7) Car culture ? Orange County unlike Los Angeles has been designed with the car in mind. From the money spent in street and freeway infrastructure to the streets in Irvine which speeds the cars through a particular neighborhood, the people I see around me love their cars. With the ratio of the population density to the number of walkable sidewalk and trails I should see more foot traffic than I do on a daily basis.
8) No reason to be outside ? There is a general agoraphobic condition afflicting Irvine; yes the parks do have some kids during certain times, the pools do have some kids swimming (summer only), the common areas do have some people hanging out; but where is everyone else? I keep hearing the density, but from walking around just Woodbury, shopping at the Town Center, and driving around; I?m guessing most people simply stay inside, go out when they absolutely need to work or shop and quickly retreat back inside the safety of their cramp, familiar quarters.
Starting, developing and maintaining relationships in our culture in general is already difficult enough. We don?t need addition external forces to compound the problem. Being in sales I naturally try to greet and even start a conversation with anyone I meet around town. The wife and I are usually intentional about trying to smile, complement or offer some small talk. Most experiences are welcomed and reciprocated; but if it weren?t for our efforts, we can easily go weeks without eye contact a friendly greeting or chat. We are tired to being, frankly so outgoing; we love how in other cities, people easily approach us in coffee shops, grocery stores and simply walking down streets. For a change, we love how other parents approach us to ask us, how old our child is, where we live and other small talk.
I attend a church that is very focused on community and relationships; yet if it weren?t for those 15 minutes each week on Sundays, I probably won?t see many of my Irvine friends/neighbors. I would sometimes observe the congregation after certain moving messages regarding finding community at church and at large; some people would be moved to tears; however almost immediately after the message I would see the same people walking straight out to the parking lot, getting into their luxury cars by themselves and returning to their presume lonely lives.
1) Time constraints (Work) - Yes, we know everyone these days are busy, however when both parents usually work to help pay the mortgage, it just makes things a lot worst. One can come to the conclusion that the higher the lifestyle-to-income ratio the more stressed out the families are and the more external relationships fall to the way side. In addition to being highly talented & actively recruited by the job centers around Irvine, most Irvinites are overworked or addicted to work. Long ago are the times in our culture where we can simply pop on by unannounced at our neighbor?s doorsteps; there are still some older established neighborhoods where the time honored tradition is still upheld or remembered; when you interrupt an elder-empty nester in their front yard, they are not in a hurry to end the conversation with you. Unfortunately for much newer neighborhoods like Irvine, there never was a tradition for unannounced interruptions; permission was never given to interrupt someone?s time.
2) Too many Asians ? Asians are not known for their social and interpersonal relationship skills. You will probably never hear a Chinese mom telling their children to focus on building meaningful friendships, developing their emotional wellbeing, and working on communication and conflict resolutions skills.
3) Too much diversity ? I actually think there is such a thing. We all know diversity is a good thing but without work and effort, too much of it hinders social relations; again especially when we live in a culture of political hypersensitivity and context without widely accepted general social contracts. It is hard to say hello, and start a conversation when roughly 4 out of 10 people you meet doesn?t speak English. I also honestly forget what the fine differences between Arabic, Persian, Persian-Iranian & Armenians (sorry). I can understand most people?s dilemmas when trying to determine when I say I?m Taiwanese versus Chinese; and the subtle political and historical tensions between the two. Overall diversity conversation can be a good thing say in a university; but not at the pocket parks, Club House or Trader Joe's where conversation is mostly kept to a shallow polite minimum and the chance of a deeper relationship where parties decide to exchange contact information are about 1 in 30.
4) Image of wealth & independence ? From the cheapest IAC to the multi-million dollar Newport Coast estates TIC needs to make sure each property projects an image of wealth, power and influence. Being residences of these properties, the occupants naturally take on these characteristics. Even if you?re dirt poor, living pay check to pay check in your Woodbury affordable housing or Shady Canyon house; the pressure to maintain the image of wealth surpasses the very real need to: ask for financial or any assistance, feel included in various social circles, and show vulnerability to others. People on the Irvine Ranch simply see each other as wealthy, beautiful, independent people without a need or care in the world. Everyone automatically assumes that everyone else has a wealth of relationships at their disposal; therefore reluctant to appear desperate for a friend.
5) Real wealth & independence ? Despite the appeared wealth there are a lot of real wealthy people in Irvine. I recently meet up with a friend?s parents who live in Newport Coast; it blows me away every time I go up there, how people can live so isolated and disconnected from those around them; real wealthy people do not want to be found, disturbed, accidently run into or ?solicited?; especially at their residence. I had to pass one community gates, two security guards, a driveway house gate and a gate before the front door. I guess it is understandable that wealthy people do not want to be found; but the average Irvine residence have also adopted this mentality that their time and presence is worth much more than yours; and they can?t possibly stop their schedule to start, develop or maintain a worthy relationship.
6) Homogeneous life stage ? I used to think that, when an entire neighborhood is in the same life stage that it is a great thing; people can easily relate to one another as they are all in the same situations. I have come to realize each life stage has its particular challenges; it?s hard to see the forest from the trees when everyone has the same perspective. In our culture peers see each other as competition, directly or indirectly. Upon introduction, the typical Irvine residence can usually sizes each other up fairly quickly, both parties can typically tell right away, who makes more money, who lives in the bigger house and drive the better car. There is bound to be tension between neighbors when the median age of an entire city is in their most competitive career driven life stage; when very educated parents hover so closely over their children?s lives even before birth; when every family is already so self-focused with limited resources that no one has anything left to give to anyone else. A lack in life stage diversity creates more conflicts than it alleviates; without wise proper perspectives, grace and modest voices from elder neighbors everyone is just trying to fill their house with as much material junk as possible, cram as many useless hours of busy activity; hopping to impress peers they don?t like, spend money they don?t have, all to keep from examining their pointless lives.
7) Car culture ? Orange County unlike Los Angeles has been designed with the car in mind. From the money spent in street and freeway infrastructure to the streets in Irvine which speeds the cars through a particular neighborhood, the people I see around me love their cars. With the ratio of the population density to the number of walkable sidewalk and trails I should see more foot traffic than I do on a daily basis.
8) No reason to be outside ? There is a general agoraphobic condition afflicting Irvine; yes the parks do have some kids during certain times, the pools do have some kids swimming (summer only), the common areas do have some people hanging out; but where is everyone else? I keep hearing the density, but from walking around just Woodbury, shopping at the Town Center, and driving around; I?m guessing most people simply stay inside, go out when they absolutely need to work or shop and quickly retreat back inside the safety of their cramp, familiar quarters.
Starting, developing and maintaining relationships in our culture in general is already difficult enough. We don?t need addition external forces to compound the problem. Being in sales I naturally try to greet and even start a conversation with anyone I meet around town. The wife and I are usually intentional about trying to smile, complement or offer some small talk. Most experiences are welcomed and reciprocated; but if it weren?t for our efforts, we can easily go weeks without eye contact a friendly greeting or chat. We are tired to being, frankly so outgoing; we love how in other cities, people easily approach us in coffee shops, grocery stores and simply walking down streets. For a change, we love how other parents approach us to ask us, how old our child is, where we live and other small talk.
I attend a church that is very focused on community and relationships; yet if it weren?t for those 15 minutes each week on Sundays, I probably won?t see many of my Irvine friends/neighbors. I would sometimes observe the congregation after certain moving messages regarding finding community at church and at large; some people would be moved to tears; however almost immediately after the message I would see the same people walking straight out to the parking lot, getting into their luxury cars by themselves and returning to their presume lonely lives.
